Took the words right outta my mouth....

Upon hearing my mom had passed away, I had a lady look in my face and say "Well that's kinda sad, isn't it?"
Yeah lady, "kinda sad" is JUST what I was thinking!
GRRRRRRRRR....

Amesia, California

No Soup For You...

So get this...

I get out of the shower and am drying off. My boyfriend comes in the bathroom and strikes up a conversation. Okay...whatever. So much for my private time. AND THEN, in the middle of our conversation, he stops and looks at me (REMEMBER I'M BUCK NAKED) and asks, "Is cellulite permanent?" The look of shock on my face must have warned him of the major thunderstorm of profanity that was about to spew out of my mouth as he then started stammering realizing his complete INANE choice of comments at that moment. I told him to "Get out of here RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" to which he turned and ran with his tail between his legs. No soup for him that night or many nights after.
I now lock the door when I'm showering...and revel in all my lumpy bumpy solitude.

My dad took his own life by shooting himself. At the funeral, an acquantaince of my dad's asked me if I was going to keep the bullets. I responded, "And what would you suggest I do with them?!?"

Anne, California

Lady In Red

I was at work one day when my girlfriends 4 year old son said to me "Stephanie, you have paint on your face, " referring to my bright red lipstick. I replied, "Oh no, that's just lipstick. " His eyes widened and he whispered back at me, " They make lips in that color?"

Stephanie,
California

Laugh Lines

When my son was 3 years old, he asked his Grandma, "Grandma, are you old?" She said, "Well, not that old..." He sat there for a moment looking perplexed and then pointed to her wrinkles and said, " Well, then why do you have all those stripes on your face?"

Lisa,
California

Love and Marriage

After we had been dating about six months, I asked my boyfriend the usual question: "Do I look fat?" To which he replied: "Don't worry. I've been with lots of big women." I married him anyway.

Barbara, California

Constant Comment

Over the course of my pregnancy, a co-worker of mine seemed to have an opinion about everything from my weight gain to my choice of maternity clothing. Almost everyday I would recieve comments from her like "Wow, you sure have gotten puffy!", or "Is that really a maternity outfit?". The last straw came when she asked me what I was going to name my baby. Upon hearing my answer she replied "Ohhh...I don't like that name at all.", to which I retorted, "Well good thing its not your kid!"

I haven't heard a peep out of her since.

Lisa,
California

Honesty...The Best Policy?

My mom's friend was driving in the car with her 4 year old son. He was staring at her and he said,"Mom you are sooo beautiful!" and then with the most serious face he said," You would be even more beautiful if you shaved your moustache."

Don't ya just love honesty?!

Alycia
Nevada

Thanks For The Heads Up...

I was diagnosed with stage 3 melanoma at 26 years of age. After seeing my doctor and getting the news I decided to have my closest friends come to the house so I could tell them in person. One of my best girlfriends upon hearing the news turns to me and says "Do you know how serious this is!?! You could die from melanoma!" "No **it!" I said.

Long story short I survived and I am cancer free now.

Lisa
Oxnard, Ca

Dr. Not So Feelgood

I was hospitalized during my last pregnancy at 27 weeks as one of the amniotic sacks was leaking fluid...I was expecting twins. We lost our daughter at 29 weeks which precipitated the birth of our son, now 15. At 2 lbs. 10 oz., he spent 8 weeks in the hospital. Sometime during his hospital stay, a doctor (not mine!) said to me "Too bad they didn't do a C-section the day before he was born and both of them would have lived." Charming bedside manner.

Sharon
San Diego, CA

Belly Laughs

I was 8 months pregnant with my second child and feeling really self concious about how much weight I had put on. I was at the point where I was leaving the comfort of my home only when absolutely necessary. One night around 8pm my neice convinced me to take a quick trip to the grocery store with her assuring me that "Nobody will be at the store this late!" We pulled into the parking lot and as I started to walk towards the market I saw a male acquaintance from high school who upon seeing me shouted "Dang girl, you're as big as a house!", causing the few other people in the area to turn and look. Mortified, my neice and I immediatley got back into my car, drove home, where I retold the story to my sister through laughter and tears!
Rose,
Carpinteria, CA

Twin Talk

Usally when people find out I'm an identical twin, comments like these tend to follow:

"What does your twin look like?"

"Are you the evil twin sister?"

"What is it like to be a twin?" (Ummm I don't knowwhat is it like to NOT be a twin!)

"Who is the pretty one?"

"Do you ever wish you were her?"

"Can you feel her pain?"

"Do you have the same boyfriend?"

"When is your birthday? (and then after I answer) So when is your twins birthday?"

"Are you better than her at volleyball?"

Nicole
Carpinteria, California

Huh?!?

I have a twin and the stupidest thing anyone has ever said to me is "Are you sisters or just twins?"
Cathy,
Colorado

Chicken Special

This still blows my mind...... 13 years ago my only sibling lost his life to AIDS. I was operating a restaurant at the time and not more than 1 week after his death, one of my customers said "I'm sorry about your brother, but you know he chose the lifestyle so he knew the consequences." All I could do was laugh at her stupidity then add a little "extra flavor" to her chicken salad.

Two years after my brother's death, my father reunited with his two daughters from his first marriage. For the first time in my thirties, they in their forties we made each others acquaintance. It was a nice beginning to what we now term a close friendship. Upon learning of our reunion, one of the ladies from my church stated " I know you lost your brother, but now you have two sisters." Guess she was thinking this was the two for one special!
Tina Louise
Carpinteria, CA

Prerequesites...

When I commented to a friend that I rarely see,( who has children), that we should see each other more often he commented, "You have GOT to have kids!" I get that people who have kids tend to see each other more but I thought that was a pretty big prerequesite for seeing him and his wife!
Anonymous

Proven?!?

While working at a horse show two weeks ago, I (unknowingly) entered a conversation about creation versus evolution. I stated my "opinion" and the gentleman that I was talking to told me that I was wrong - that he'd done the research - and all facts prove that his "opinion" is correct. Things escalated after I told him that I didn't agree, and it ended up that I was called a "Foolish Child" for having a different opinion. Let's just say I didn't talk to him ever again...
Allyson

Weight a Minute...

I had recently gained about 8 pounds while on vacation to Europe. One night after dinner, my boyfriend suggested that maybe we shouldn't order dessert due to my recent "weight problem". He's an ex now...
Anonymous,
California

Surving Cancer And Comments!

Someone said to a cancer survivor friend of mine (who had already lost her hair and was in the regrowth stage , but still on the thin side)...."Are u doing chemo AGAIN? Is that why you have no hair!?!" Wow.
Anonymous
California

Got a Shovel?

This isn't a new expression, but it is something I have never repeated after this experience. One day, walking across the school campus, I saw a teaching colleague who never dressed up, sporting a very nice suit. My question, a classic one. "So are you going to a wedding or funeral, John?" The response...."a funeral, my father just died." I couldn't figure out how to dig a hole deep enough to crawl into, but the expression died right then for me.
Curtis
Santa Barbara, CA

Thank God for Xanax

A week after my husband died, the day before his funeral, a former friend said to me, “Oh, don’t worry, you’ll be remarried within a year.”

My husband was in a horrible accident where he and two other people died. I got an urgent message from one of his clients. Thinking that this was business related, I stupidly called back only to hear the client crying and wailing and screaming, “Did he do it on purpose???” I hung up.

About a year after my husband died I ran into an old acquaintance who told me that he had heard that my husband had not really died, that he was living in China trying to avoid being called to testify against the Italian Mafia in LA.

I received a letter from my sister in law after the death of my husband. It read, “You don’t hold the patent on grief. Some of us have known John a lot longer than you...”

Almost a year after the accident, a friend walked into my house and said, “Ew, there are unhappy spirits in your house. They feel cold...can’t you feel it?”

Two years after the accident, I got a phone call from one of John’s friends telling me that John had visited him in a dream and that he was “very unhappy and had not passed on to a better place...he had unresolved issues here...” I told that person that I preferred not to hear about his “dream visitations” again; that in order for me to survive this lifetime, I had to think in my head and have peace in my heart that my husband was at peace.
Anonymous
California

No Question Is Ever A Dumb One?!?

When my son Kaed and daughter Charlotte were younger we were always asked what the age difference was and once I told them that they were twins, oh the comments came. Kaed was bigger so on several occasions I was asked if I fed him more to keep him bigger….. hmmmmm. But my favorite was actually asked by several people including a nurse if they were identical twins. The look I got when I responded, “Identical until you pull down their pants!”
Jen
Santa Barbara, CA

Book In Mouth

Several years ago (over 30!) I worked in the public library of my hometown. The town was small and everyone knew when anything happened. Tragically, a local boy (17 years old) had been diagnosed with bone cancer. His prognosis was poor and he was in severe pain quite often and confined to a wheelchair. On the day of his older brother’s high school graduation, he was left at home alone, where he took his life. The family chose not to have funeral and struggled with how to “announce” the death and memorialize their son. The mother came to the public library wanting the research librarian to find a specific quote for a card the family would send out. The quote was somewhat obscure, from a book of poetry. The whole library staff was eager to help, but the efforts came up empty. The research librarian promised to keep looking and get back to the mother as soon as possible. The mother was disappointed but didn’t want the librarian to put herself out finding the passage. To which the librarian responded, “ Don’t worry, I won’t kill myself.” Ahhhh! As soon as the words passed her lips, she realized her unfortunate choice of words.
Ann
Neenah, Wisconsin

You're Kidding...

My all time favorite is when you inform somebody about a death that's recently occurred. The first comment is almost always, "You're kidding!?"...................."No dumb#@!&, I'm not!!!"
Becky
Carpinteria, CA

Let It Out

When my dad passed away, I was 7 months pregnant with Hillary. At the funeral someone said to me "BE STRONG". So I bought into that concept... and 1 month later my husband of 11 years walked in and told me he "JUST DIDN'T WANT TO BE MARRIED ANYMORE". He left and one month later I drove myself to the hospital to have Hillary. I kept "Being Strong" for about 4 years and then I started having panic attacks...because I never experienced my feelings about the death and the walk out! BE STRONG was bad advice...cry and feel sad, experience the loss fully, would have been better advice.
Paula
Camarillo, CA

Trouble In Paradise

I had been married to my last wife for about 3 weeks. We had moved to Hawaii right after the honeymoon. I came back to the hotel we were staying in while we looked for an apartment to have her say:"I have good news and bad news. I have met someone and I am moving in with him. That's good news for me and bad news for you."
Bruce
Orange County, CA